MEGAWATT AMPLIFIED: life

Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

The calm after the proverbial storms.

Well, I think the silly mom group drama calmed down and I am feeling positive about my 'followers' again. I think I may call them that from now on. It makes me sound more powerful. I will need to stand protrate when I say it, like Consuelo Vanderbilt. She must have been quite beautiful in her day.

Anyway, the drama there has passed, and I am devising a plan for how to deal with the ex, which reminds me, I need to call my lawyer. =-)

BRB.

K...so anyway, keep your fingers crossed, all and resolution may be ahead on all fronts.

Christ. Faith or Bust.

The big guy. The Savior. The bottom of the Divine Trilogy. The son of the BIGGER guy.

Jesus.

Really, what I have to say is moreso about religion than Jesus, but we'll start at middle management and work our way up to the top.

I should start by saying I'm a Christian, a Catholic and a member of the faithful. I have been a Catholic my whole life. I am actually a DOUBLE Catholic because I was baptized Byzantine but raised in a Roman Catholic area and learned BOTH sets of traditions. I did the average adolescent questioning of my faith and found my way 'home' in my 20s, when I realized being a Catholic felt right, and I wanted my kids to experience the same feeling of belonging.

But Catholicism for me has also been a theological journey or scholarship and discovery. Like all relationships, I accept the questionable roots and rules of my Church but hope that its positives will best serve my children and myself. I want them to believe that when hope and reason can't help, faith remains.

Sadly, in the last year I have found myself questioning the big and BIGGER guys in their ineptitude in this department. Since Mikey's death especially, I have found it difficult to find my way 'back' to faith. I can't find the 'light' in this very dark tunnel. I don't find rationale in such rationless reality.

So why is this God's fault?

I mean, really, people die. People HAVE to die. We have to accept the cycle of life. But life isn't supposed to go in such a shocking and terrible manner. LIFE is to be LIVED by those we love. Awful things happen to OTHER people. Why do they keep happening in my world?

But I am getting past that. I am getting to forgiveness of myself for not protecting him, of HIM for being so stupid and of God for standing by and letting 'life' happen. If God stopped every tragic situation, we would be desensitized to everything. We would never appreciate birth because it would have no ending.

Ends. That is what I am starting to accept; it isn't easy. You, faithful reader. Do you appreciate endings? Even those we want are painful at some level, but many times also a relief. But according to God's word, the kingdom of God has no end. So what is the risk vs. reward? Why would we want eternity?

I want my faith to float me through pain, but in reality I can only buoy myself through the hard times. Only I can hold my own when the world holds me down. You, reader, must do so as well.

And so I close by saying that I am proud to having wavering faith because those who follow blindly never see...in anything. Life is to be learned and loved; life is growth and change and evolution.

Did I just prove the Theory of Evolution? ;) I better write the Vatican ASAP! =)

August 21st: A day that will live in infamy

It's my birthday.

The picture to the right is not me, but doesn't she look like a younger version of me?!

Anyway.

Ya, ya, I know. At 32 wonderous years, what do they matter anymore? Honestly, I don't know. As long as I am still having them, I consider myself ahead of the game, right?

So I have been thinking about that, and where I am in life, and where I am going, and I am not coming to any distinct understanding of a plan. I have no inkling, actually. Things have changed so much--my focus, my family, my world. I don't really know where to start.

Or finish. Isn't that what life rolls into? A series of starts and finishes. It's like every time you

think you've finished, you should just assume something else will just fill its place. The rat race drags us in until we get so swept away, we forget what is important. Then, without us knowing, something ends and we have to re-access it all.

I know you all know what I'm talking about here, but that is only part of it. 32. 32 years are over. I will never be as young as that fresh faced little person above. I will never experience the wonderment of a first kiss again. I will never again know the feeling of coming home to someone else being completely responsible for ME. I am now responsible for myself and others.

I have to accept the fact that sometimes....sometimes...I really like listening to BBC radio or classical music in the car. On occasion, I realize I am driving AT the speed limit and get irritated by the young punk behind me that wants me to speed up. I have reached an age that at 17 seemed OLD and antiquated.

I am old and antiquated.

Or am I? I mean, everyone keeps telling me that Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte made the thirties COOL. So am I cool? Do I want to be cool? I think the clincher to my aged state is that it no longer MATTERS to me. I don't care if I am

in or out. Maybe that is why I feel the most at east with myself than I ever have. I feel ok with my body and all its numerous rolls. I love the clothes I can afford to buy for myself and I think I look good in them. I enjoy makeup not because I am trying to hide anything but because I feel good about so much that I just want to accentuate, and accessorize.

32. A 32 year old Meg would be a different mom than the 22 year old one was. I don't consider music of 1994 'oldies'. I also don't sweat so much about retarded stuff but see its place in the big picture. I am trying to see MY place in the big picture. I wonder how you, Mr. or Ms. Reader, fit into my life equation. Where will our relationship, if any, be in a decade? Who have I lost or left behind from my life in the last one? What have I learned from all of it?

I don't think we ever know what we've learned until much later. I don't think I realize what knowledge I've gained or how sage I have become. But hopefully, somehow, I have been ingrained with more tools, more experience, more ability, to face life as it comes at me. I am ready to embrace it. I'm ready for 32.

Organizational Disorganization

I know. There are whole companies circling wagons right now, ready to send out their best and brightest consultants to tell you how to organize your business and your life. They're going to tell you to simplify, be proactive instead of reactive and think not just two hours away but six months.

My question is simply: why do you need someone TELL you that?

When did we, as a culture, get so lost in the tangled web we weave that we consistently lose the forest for the trees? How many times do I remind myself that my kids DON'T need an iPod or a cell phone, even though everyone around us has one?

When did tin cans for a ten year old lose their telecommunication viability?

It's not that I am snubbing technology. I am snubbing idiocy. Why do you need someone to tell you LESS IS MORE? Didn't your mama explain that early on? A stitch in time saves nine? Do for others as you would have them do unto you?

Simplifying is about more than your wardrobe space. It's a decision to make reality less virtual and more static. It's the choice to say today I will do one positive thing for myself that is completely unselfish.

It's realizing that the tangled web isn't just woven by US and that we need to keep our patterns in flow with the next intricate web. It's knowing our ebbs and flows and working through them to make life WORK FOR US instead of working for life.

Start checking out the webs around you and think first how you best fit into their design...and realize that you are the one making up your own pattern-not a consultant, not your mother, and certainly not your environment. Make the tough choices, don't always do the easy thing and the world will come around once more with you on the sunny side of the street.