Christ. Faith or Bust.
The big guy. The Savior. The bottom of the Divine Trilogy. The son of the BIGGER guy.
Jesus.
Really, what I have to say is moreso about religion than Jesus, but we'll start at middle management and work our way up to the top.
I should start by saying I'm a Christian, a Catholic and a member of the faithful. I have been a Catholic my whole life. I am actually a DOUBLE Catholic because I was baptized Byzantine but raised in a Roman Catholic area and learned BOTH sets of traditions. I did the average adolescent questioning of my faith and found my way 'home' in my 20s, when I realized being a Catholic felt right, and I wanted my kids to experience the same feeling of belonging.
But Catholicism for me has also been a theological journey or scholarship and discovery. Like all relationships, I accept the questionable roots and rules of my Church but hope that its positives will best serve my children and myself. I want them to believe that when hope and reason can't help, faith remains.
Sadly, in the last year I have found myself questioning the big and BIGGER guys in their ineptitude in this department. Since Mikey's death especially, I have found it difficult to find my way 'back' to faith. I can't find the 'light' in this very dark tunnel. I don't find rationale in such rationless reality.
So why is this God's fault?
I mean, really, people die. People HAVE to die. We have to accept the cycle of life. But life isn't supposed to go in such a shocking and terrible manner. LIFE is to be LIVED by those we love. Awful things happen to OTHER people. Why do they keep happening in my world?
But I am getting past that. I am getting to forgiveness of myself for not protecting him, of HIM for being so stupid and of God for standing by and letting 'life' happen. If God stopped every tragic situation, we would be desensitized to everything. We would never appreciate birth because it would have no ending.
Ends. That is what I am starting to accept; it isn't easy. You, faithful reader. Do you appreciate endings? Even those we want are painful at some level, but many times also a relief. But according to God's word, the kingdom of God has no end. So what is the risk vs. reward? Why would we want eternity?
I want my faith to float me through pain, but in reality I can only buoy myself through the hard times. Only I can hold my own when the world holds me down. You, reader, must do so as well.
And so I close by saying that I am proud to having wavering faith because those who follow blindly never see...in anything. Life is to be learned and loved; life is growth and change and evolution.
Did I just prove the Theory of Evolution? ;) I better write the Vatican ASAP! =)
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